found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.