If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work