WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
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Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."