phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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