Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You left your phone here
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