Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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