Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
