: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
