Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
