got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My feet surprised me
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