Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
