Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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