I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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