my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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