Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
