Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
