god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
