the day after is always just damage control
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
