Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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