Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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