before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
