All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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