sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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