Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
