so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
