I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
