Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
