My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
