Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
