During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I forget how to act sober
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
