he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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