I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
