had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
