My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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