Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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