there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
