I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
