happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
