his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
