I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
