I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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