He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
