dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Boobs speak an international language.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
