hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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