Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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