Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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