If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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