is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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