bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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