yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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