Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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