Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
