they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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