this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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