Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
