2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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