in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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